Victory in getting lost

Last night's run felt so freaking good. I'd decided against a tempo run since I'd gotten next to no sleep the night before due to a family emergency. I was going to run it at a 12:00 m/m steady pace...and I did...with little to no effort! AWESOME!

I did however get lost again. Quelle surprise. It was all good though, I knew my way back and truthfully I has zero desire to run down a busy street. My plain old boring regular route is awesome. It was hard packed snow and I just flew...and I loved every second of it.

I think the instructor doesn't like me very much...but that's okay...if speaking up get's me in trouble so be it. That's means you're uncomfortable with the truth.

Dang I can hardly wait for my next clinic...while a great person I just can't wrap my head around the route secrecy. It's weird.

Fresh Powder Run

Well there's nothing like a little affirmation to prove you're not paranoid.

Last nights run was in the middle of our second major snowfall of the year. I couldn't believe how many people made it out. I couldn't believe how hard it was to run in it. I couldn't believe how slow I ran and I didn't care one bit. Just being out there was a victory, however I'm paying for it a bit today...parts of me ache from the extra effort of pushing through loose snow

It's been nice having 2 good feeling runs back to back...it seems like it's all been coming up negative. I think it helped having a talk with the instructor last night. While it didn't make me feel good (the attitude is totally if you can't keep up with the designated pace groups TS) it made me feel less like a paranoid freak.

The concession has been made that I can know the route ahead of time so I'm happy, I might end up having more people join my mid pack group as the distances grow longer...we'll have to wait and see though. I did think it was rather odd though that the answer to what happens if I can't keep up with the pace group I'm in and I have to drop back was stop on route and wait for the next group to catch up.

Yeah...that's so not going to happen in winter for me, sorry. I'll freeze solid and have a miserable run. So the apparent answer is to not ever take another clinic by this particular teacher...which I'm cool with. I don't like elitist attitudes and mindsets and that seems to be the way this ones being run. Thank god I can dump it in January.

It's a love/hate kinda thing

So FINALLY I have something happy and positive to say...I know...it's been awhile. I always seem to be off on a rant about my clinic...however yesterdays hill session was a great one. My uphill times were absolutely fantastic for winter hills with snow and ice...hell they were pretty good for bare pavement summertime hills!

13:05, 11:59, 12:15, 11:33, 12:33, 11:06 on a per minute mile pace were achieved...that's really good for me so I'm thrilled!! The sun was shining, the wind was howling an all I could think about was that I was finally running something that felt really good to me. No one to compete against except me, no drama, no nothing, just me.

I love this hill. It fights me all the way up...I'm pretty sure that there's gravity altering forces on this hill that make my body mass quadruple. There's nothing like that feeling of the burning release when you get to the top.

I was recently told I should run the hills on a treadmill...safer you know. Yeah, I know...so much safer because I totally wouldn't do them. I know me...I need to be accountable and driving for 40 minutes to get to the hill means I'm going to run it...as long as conditions aren't too bad (ie 6 foot drifting).

I really want to run this hill all winter if I can...I will feel indestructible come spring...and when the layers come off and the snow melts I will be so freaking fast I'll be nothing more than a blur.

Garbage hill, you are evil, but I love you.

65km wind

~sigh~

Another long run, another round of tears, another bought of anger and frustration. This is beginning to sound like a broken record. This time the frustration was from not knowing where I was running to. For some reason only the group leaders are told the route...this ensures no one runs outside the designated 4 timing groups...or in my case if you do you end up feeling frustrated and getting lost.

I just don't get it. I really don't. I'm sick and tired of coming home upset. I'm sick and tired of dreading run club. I need to know where I'm going and I truly don't get what the big deal is.

The instructor figures out the route ahead of time, has a private groups set up on social media for the group leaders and sends them a map of the route.

When I ask for the route, it's all hush hush...group leaders only. Really?

I've tried to talk to the instructor and twice now he's walked away from me. I'd like to think it's not on purpose...that maybe being a guy he's just not hearing me, maybe I'm too quiet, maybe I'm just invisible? Either way this guy has become unapproachable to me and I don't wanna play in their exclusive group anymore.

I've had people say, "what pace are you trying for ? I though we had them all covered?". Really? Is it just me? Does no one else realize how freaking INSANE it is to expect everyone to fit into 1 of 4 pace groups? At a finish line there are hundreds of people that come in in between those 15 minute increments. Does it occur to no one that those times aren't an accident? That someone might actually be working for a 2:20 finish?

I guess I'm just disappointed. I've paid money and now I just end up running by myself...at night...in the dark. If that's going to be the case I'd might as well run by myself during the day. The sun's out and I can soak up it's warm goodness without worrying about where I step.

I've worked damn hard to get to where I am, I don't want to get lazy and have to start all over again come spring. I can survive this though...it's not life altering. When I started this I was concerned that my full course overlapped by almost 2 months, how would I chose which group to run with? Now I know...I'm dumping this one faster than a hot potato. I hate the course, I dislike the teaching methods and I resent the bully tactics. What I need to do is figure out a way to make this work for me until January.

I'm strong, I'm weak, I need constant reaffirmation but I will get through this. Somehow. Maybe I can approach this as a mental strengthening exercise?

Yo-Yo

Crimy this week has been rough. Wednesday night's run was amazing, I decided to just run and forget about the words "tempo" and "steady". I was going to ignore the watch and run for the love of running. It went brilliant. My pace was awesome but more importantly I felt like I'd had a great run.

Then Thursday rolled around. I was totally, utterly exhausted. I slept all day long and really didn't want to head to run club. I sucked it up and went though, however about 1/2 a kilometer into the run I knew in my gut that I just couldn't do it. Correction...I could have pushed through it, but then I would have been miserable and in shitty shape for my long run on Sunday.

I had many ask what happened and I just brushed it off and said I was tired. That was true...sort of...but not entirely. Basically something snapped inside me as I was running ALONE yet again. I couldn't see where I was going, I was exhausted and running by myself. If I was going to continually running by myself why wouldn't I just run during the day when the sun was out? It would keep me warmer and I could see where I was going.

I turned around and headed back. Frustrated, pissed off and truly never wanting to come back to the clinic again. I come home EVERY time and cry because I'm frustrated that I don't fit in. That the group leader seems to go out of it's way to let me know loud and clear that I don't belong there in it's opinion.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm beginning to hate the clinic I paid good money to be a part of.

This is supposed to be the start of a great journey for me. A way to keep myself up until the start of my full marathon clinic...now it just seems to be killing my love of running. I have to figure out a way to deal with this and make it good.

However it's hard to do when you walk in on conversations being had about you...where the content is along  the lines of  'drop back and run with ~my name~ she can't keep up with the 2:15 pace.'

Oh what was that? Did you see me come in literally 1 minute after you did? Oh wow, did you not expect me to hear you talking about me because I'm SO slow? Yeah that look on your face says it all.

If you can't say it to my face then shut your mouth princess. I will show you all...I will kick ass and I will do it without help from any of you.

Running Solo

I discovered something yesterday. Hills are WAY harder when there's snow on the ground. My body humbled me a little bit and taught me a lesson yesterday. My times up the hill were in the 14:00-15:00 minute mile pace range...and I was putting everything I had into it...and then some.

I realized once I'd finished that as great as I'd felt doing the hills I was probably going to need to dial it back in the coming weeks. I'm tired a lot lately and I'm starting to resent my running club so it might be bet to take a step back.

It definitely pick on me week though at my run club. This time it was someone I respected. If I come home from run club feeling like shit why would I go? I can run by myself, during the day when its sunny and warm and I can feel happy about what I'm doing.

I know my body and I listen to it.

Running has become no longer fun. Perhaps it's time I look at running solo for a while.

Mental mind games

Wow. Shortly after I wrote yesterdays post I had a total complete melt down...full on sobbing tears. I realized that every single person I'd come into contact with  yesterday with the exception of ONE either expressed disbelief that I was okay running with the faster pace group, insinuated I was running faster than I should be or intimated that I was tagging along with the faster pace group and I should be running with the slower paced group.

By the time I got home and settled in I realized what had been eating away at me...I was being made to feel like I had to prove I was strong enough to run with the faster pace group. Everyone else is given a pass, but because I've come so far in the last 6 months everyone still wants me to be who I was not who I am.

Apparently when one doesn't post EVERY single workout and achievement to FACEBOOK it doesn't count towards your fitness level. Your facebook page defines every achievement and if you chose to keep some things private they don't count in life.

Even now as I type this I'm angry and tearing up.

They all talk about being supportive...but apparently when you step outside the box they put you in it disappears.

It's not supportive when you constantly hear "This is a fast pace for you right?" NO

It's not supportive when you constantly have people checking on while running and tell you in a surprised tone "Wow you seem to be doing okay"

It's not supportive when people ask you "yeah, but could you have gone farther?" in a heartbeat.

It's not supportive when you make a person feel like they have to justify why they're running with "your" group.

Do I have a chip on my shoulder? Yup. Am I being overly sensitive? Maybe. All I know is that by the time I start my Full Marathon clinic I will have run 20 1/2 marathons, been running for 4 years and know my body well enough to know what it's capable of and more importantly I listen to it.

Give me a tiny bit of credit. If I make you uncomfortable by stepping outside of a box, don't put me in one. Everyone has a bad run now and again, it doesn't mean anything other than they had a bad run. Maybe they were tired, maybe they thought they were going to end up with runners trots...maybe, just maybe they decided to enjoy the run and not push.

I will do this and I will do it my way on my terms. Deal with it.

Snow Arrives in the 'peg

I'm not gonna lie. When I woke up this morning and looked outside I swore...loudly. I was really looking forward to another good fast run without snow. Every step was extra hard and it didn't help that my legs were totally dead.

I don't know that I would say that I'd forgotten how hard it is to run in the snow because I've never truly been able to feel like i'm flying when I run until this year. Today SUCKED. Every step was twice as hard as it should have been, my feet ended up caked in snow and soaked all the way through.

My pace was significantly slower than I was used to and it felt soooooo frustrating to not be able to run how I like to. That being said If I can keep up my 'slow' pace through winter I suspect that when Spring arrives I'm going to be able to fly.

It was interesting today though...I had several people comment/ask/make reference to the fact that the pace we ran at was too fast for me today. Ummm....not even close. A friend pointed out that they're just not used to how much stronger and faster I've gotten over the last few months. Okay I get it, but it's still some what frustrating. In part that's why I really hate how this clinic has us all going out in specific groups.

In the past it was kind of an en mass things and people of similar paces naturally grouped together. Now you have a choice...2:00, 2:15, 2:30 or to complete. Let's be honest...those are HUGE differences. I'm right in between pace groups and I find it exceedingly frustrating. Do see what word keep popping up here? I don't like feeling like I don't fit in. I don't like feeling like people are judging me by who I used to be.

I'm not stupid. I know my body and I listen to it. I've been running for 4 years...and I've NEVER been sidelined with an injury (other than for a day or two). Why? Because I listen to my body...always. Stop trying to pigeon hole me into a group because I'm like a giant human sized square peg you're trying to jam into a round hole.

I'm starting to realize as I re-read this that I'm having some major issues with what I know at heart are well intentioned people. I don't do well with people telling me what I can and can not do...never have, never will.

Will I ever be thought of as anything other than a slow runner?

Epic Win!

I wasn't really going to post anything from last night's run, but after yesterdays dramatic post of failure it was only fair to follow up with something more positive.

It may not have been an epic win, but it was a win none the less. For some reason I fail to grasp, we're following the schedule to a tee, which means clinic night will never be nothing more than a steady run. Which for me is a waste. I don't need a group atmosphere to do a steady. So rather than whine about it, I decided that I would alter my personal schedule and make it work.  I decided that I would run a tempo run instead. It makes perfect sense to me, I need to chase someone, it forces me to go faster and the temptation of really running that closely to 'the big boys' is too strong to resist and it gives me fire.

So for some strange reason the route was only told to group leaders, something that I have a major problem with since I fall in between groups. As could be expected I got lost from the lead group which pissed me off and slowed down my pace for a bit. I decided to use that anger for fuel and by the end of the run I was .08 of a mile short of my goal distance (oops) and I finished with an average time of 10:43 minute/mile. WIN!!!

Everything felt great at the end of the run and when due to me taking a different route and ending up in front of the 2:00 group I heard something that made me feel awesome. I heard from a rather speedy friend "you were really moving, we tried to catch you, but we could only gain on you a bit". It felt like I'd won the lottery. Seriously.

The only thing that disturbs me as of late is my overwhelming obsession with times. If my time is slower than I'd like I feel like a loser. That's dangerous. When my self esteem is tied that closely to what I achieve out there on the pavement, it can only be a recipe for disaster.

I also get the feeling that some people think I'm pushing myself too hard. I totally admit to pushing myself but it's mid November and I can still see pavement. Plus if you don't aim high, you'll never truly know what you're capable of.

Epic Fail

This has been a rough week for me. I feel like every run since Sunday has been an epic fail. Tuesdays hill session produced less than desirable results and last nights tempo run was a total epic fail. Last nights failure was in part to running way to fast which lead to one of the most painful upper diaphragm stiches I've ever had.

It would also seem like here I am yet again running by myself. I don't get it. Why do I always seem to be in between?  Why can't I get this? Why is everything so freaking hard? How the hell am I going to be expected to do 10K tempo runs when I can't even do a 3km tempo run successfully?

Last night I ended up in the corner flat on my back while I tried to regain control of my breathing and eliminate the agonizing pain in my chest. I was beyond embarrassed and felt humiliated.

Frustration had become a constant companion and I suspect it's because I keep setting overly ambitious goals to try and attain.

Why?

Do I really need to keep training with the 2:15 group? Wouldn't it be easier to go with the 2:30 group? What is it within me that drives me to pick the hardest challenge? I'm tired, I'm burnt out and ready to fall down.

Good thing I have another tempo run scheduled for tonight.

Hanging with the big boys

Yesterday was AMAZING. I had my first Long Slow Run with my new half clinic. It was a short and sweet 7km. I don't think I'll get used to how different this instructor is from my last one. This time you got split up into groups based on your finishing time. We had choices but when I asked the 2:30 leader what pace they would be running at I was told just shy of a 13:00 minute mile pace.

I was faced with a dilemma. Do I run with the group I thought I would at a pace that feels painfully slow to me? Or to I attempt to challenge myself with a group that running a little closer to my comfortable challenge pace? I get the purpose of a LSR, really I do, but I know that snow is coming soon and with that snow all the rules change.

So I decided that I would run with the 2:15 pace group...because it's a shorter distance and I was pretty sure I could handle what they had planned...and besides, if I couldn't there were 2 other pace groups behind me that I could fall back into if I was having trouble. So we set off and I cranked my music and fell into place behind what I shall affectionately call...the dudes. I'd missed my music, it's been so long since I could just pop in the ear buds and just run for me. I had a new playlist filled with new music and for the first 3km I thought...I can't run this slow...I just can't. Maybe I won't run 10 and 1's? It was at that precise moment that I mentally bitch slapped myself. Seriously? You know you have 4 more km in front of you right? You know you're not actually a freaking rock star right?

Right. Gotcha. You're gonna feel like poop in about 2 more km. So onward I went.

I don't honestly know if I'm ever going to get the clothing right for winter. After the cursory 1km I took off my gloves, shortly after that I took off my toque and shortly after that my jacket was tied around my waist. Within minutes I was soaked, but running free and soaking up every minute of the challenge.

I could see the 2:00 group just ahead of us and I thought, 'look at me, I'm running with the big boys!' (There were no other girls in my group on this particular day). We turned the corner for our final kilometer and were faced with a pretty brutal head wind...it sucked the joy right out of the run for me. I'd forgotten how much those icy winds suck. I was sooooo tempted to slow down and did for just a few steps before I reminded my self that I could see the finish point up ahead. It's just like the finish line in a race...you NEVER slow down when you see that right? Right.

So on I ran. I will never in a million years forget the look of the faces of my friends that were up in the 2:00 group when they realized I'd come in just behind them with the 2:15's. I saw surprise, a little shock and a whole lot of pride coming from one. Not only did I get a high five from her, but I also got a giant bear hug.

I was on cloud nine. I'd ran with the 2:15 group and I wasn't gasping for air. It was at this precise moment when the thought entered my mind...could I actually maybe train with the 2:15's for the whole clinic?

No Way. Never gonna happen. I haven't even had a 2:30 finish yet!

The thought had permeated my brain though. It was constantly picking at me all the way through breakfast...could I?

I was faced with a barrage of complements and awesomeness when we'd finished the run. So many of the people who ran with me 6 months ago knew that I'd ran an 18:00 minute mile pace. At first it felt great, then I just wanted to crawl under a rock and disappear. It was only 7km I reminded them, there's no snow on the ground, when there is I'll probably have to drop back, the list went on and on.

When I got home I felt like a million bucks and when I told the hubbie what I'd achieved he was so happy for me. The thought kept permeating through my brain though...could I actually keep training with the 2:15 group? Nawwww...there's no way I could do their tempo pace...so I picked up the book and saw that the tempo run I'd done on Thursday was at the pace for a 2:15 finish.

It was then that the glimmer got stronger. Why couldn't I? Why was I already sabotaging myself? If I work hard all winter and keep up the cross training schedule I have in place to help me get stronger for my full, why couldn't I at least try?

So that's why I'm writing this post. A reminder to myself of this precise moment when I realized that I could do something that was never even in my thoughts as a possibility. The brain is a powerful tool and it can be an even more powerful weapon.

I don't know what I'll end up doing, but I know I'm not a quitter...nor am I a complainer. It will be what it will be and hopefully I'll discover something about myself I didn't know was there.

Never look forward

So last night I had one of my best runs in a long time...sure it was only 3km but it was a tempo run and I've never run so fast before. I averaged a 10:40 minute mile pace for the whole run and for me that's freaking amazing! I was totally stoked!!

Then at about 3am I was awakened with one heck of a back spasm. Basically my glutes cramped up and left me alternating between the heating pad and walking circles of the house to loosen them up. It sucked. However by mid day I was feeling more human so I decided to hammer out on my calendar what my training schedule is going to be like for my first full marathon.

That's when I realized my clinic for my winter half is going to overlap my full marathon clinic by almost 2 months. Say WHA? Okay I can do this...let's just write it all down so I can see what I'm dealing with.

Biggest mistake ever. To look at it all laid out like that has created the most gigantic 'holy shit' feeling I've ever had. I'm terrified...then I realized I'm going to be training like a crazy woman through January and February to make sure I hit both goals. GULP. Calm down. I can do this.

Then I realized that for my first grown up, big girl, hotspot vacation I'm going to have to do not one major LSD but two. An 18km and a 20km. Not to mention 10km Tempo runs (Holy poopers!!! Can even do that???) and Speed work.

Look I know there's a track on board not to mention treadmills, but I'd really, kinda hoped to truly enjoy this vacation...so now I'm going to have to figure out a balance. It's all good...really...but I think I should have waited to lay everything out...then again this has made me realize that there's no way I can afford to miss any of my cross training/core strengthening sessions right now...no matter how tired or sore I am.

I'm scared.

...but I will do this...

*confirm registration* Gulp...what did i just do?

You know that feeling...the feeling you have after you've registered for an event you're not quite sure you're ready for. That happened to me a couple of months ago. After a particularly long post run coffee session where fellow runners and good friends convinced me that I'm more than ready to attempt my first full marathon. I did what all sane people do...I slept on it...for days...but the more I thought about it the more I realized they were right.


I've run 18 1/2 marathons in 3.5 years and took significant time off of my finishing times this year...I PB'd 3 times in less than ideal conditions...and to top it off the course is being taught by a good friend and amazing instructor. So I signed up. The second I clicked the 'confirm' button I felt my stomach drop to my toes. I felt like I was going to throw up...what did I just sign myself up for?


So here I am...starting a blog about it...because I need a place to document my failures, my success', my joy, my blisters...and with any luck no one will stumble across it and I can write exactly what's on my mind. I know I will do this...my winter will be spent cross training...and training for another freezing winter 1/2 marathon here in Winnipeg.


My posts will hold me accountable...and possibly give me a place to voice my fears and doubts without the automatic 'you can do it' pep ups they would illicit from my running peeps...because sometimes you just need to voice the fear.