Thursday, May 28, 2015
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Injured
I think the hardest thing about being injured for any athlete is the frustration that starts to build up inside you. The frustration and the guilt for feeling the way you do because you know damn well that in the grand scheme of things, you're really not in that bad of shape...but not being able to run...not being able to do what makes you you...well it feels like the earth is falling.
The mind games that get played are what's the hardest for me. I know that there are people out there in the world that have it worse off than I do. Believe me i know that. But here's the thing...my situation still sucks for ME. By saying i can't be upset or frustrated by my situation because others have it worse is like saying I can't be happy because there are others out there happier than I am.
I'm depressed. I'm frustrated. It feels like life just keeps piling on and I'm supposed to just deal with it. I was dealing just fine...until a split second lapse in judgement caused me to wind up down for the count...and now it feels like my body is unraveling.
I'm getting bitter, resentful and i really just want NOTHING to do with anyone these days. Family dinners, work, life...all of it is starting to feel just so overwhelming and I don't know how much longer i can keep it up before i snap.
This is what it feels like. I never wanna be here again, but i suspect the road back is going to be a long one.
The mind games that get played are what's the hardest for me. I know that there are people out there in the world that have it worse off than I do. Believe me i know that. But here's the thing...my situation still sucks for ME. By saying i can't be upset or frustrated by my situation because others have it worse is like saying I can't be happy because there are others out there happier than I am.
I'm depressed. I'm frustrated. It feels like life just keeps piling on and I'm supposed to just deal with it. I was dealing just fine...until a split second lapse in judgement caused me to wind up down for the count...and now it feels like my body is unraveling.
I'm getting bitter, resentful and i really just want NOTHING to do with anyone these days. Family dinners, work, life...all of it is starting to feel just so overwhelming and I don't know how much longer i can keep it up before i snap.
This is what it feels like. I never wanna be here again, but i suspect the road back is going to be a long one.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
A new dawn, A new day...
So winter has arrived again...and guess what. I'm slow again and I'm having trouble dealing with it. Upon further reading, it would seem that it's not a new thing.
Today resulted in hurt feelings, inner tantrums and self doubt. Good to know that I'm not invincible...and that some things will never change. This will make me stronger...I just have to not let the voices win.
The new Challenges ahead? The Hypothermic 1/2 marathon in February, the 50km trail race in May which will be followed by another crack at 50 miles in June...in Montana.
Bring it on nature. You will not defeat me. No matter what, i will survive.
Today resulted in hurt feelings, inner tantrums and self doubt. Good to know that I'm not invincible...and that some things will never change. This will make me stronger...I just have to not let the voices win.
The new Challenges ahead? The Hypothermic 1/2 marathon in February, the 50km trail race in May which will be followed by another crack at 50 miles in June...in Montana.
Bring it on nature. You will not defeat me. No matter what, i will survive.
The Lemming Loop 12 hour version
The day started off like any other race day. An early rise, followed by the question...why do I sign up for these things!! Waking up at 4:15 am is NO fun!! We arrived on site to be welcomed by the glowy christmas lights strung up around the aid station. A fire was burning to help keep volunteers warm...that fire would soon become a highlight of that race...warmth!
I went in to pick up my race kit and stepped over sleeping 24 hour racers...they were scattered all over the building and people were whispering...it seemed surreal that those guys had already been out in that brutal cold for 12+hours. The cold. Oh dear lord the cold. The wind the night before had been gusting over 60kph and a good 2km of that 3km loop is in open fields...mind boggling...not to mention it was -1'C...but since the venue had been changed last minute there was now a HEATED building with real washrooms!!!
While i fell short of my 50 miles goal, i did end up with 44 miles and that seems pretty wicked too. When do i get to do it again? :Dh
I went in to pick up my race kit and stepped over sleeping 24 hour racers...they were scattered all over the building and people were whispering...it seemed surreal that those guys had already been out in that brutal cold for 12+hours. The cold. Oh dear lord the cold. The wind the night before had been gusting over 60kph and a good 2km of that 3km loop is in open fields...mind boggling...not to mention it was -1'C...but since the venue had been changed last minute there was now a HEATED building with real washrooms!!!
Headlamps were put on and at 15 minutes before race start we had our pre race meeting. A few nods about the course but more importantly the reminder that when passing 24hr runners to give them a wide berth...their reaction time will be slower and to accomdate them. Then the aid station...yup...put in your order and then by the next lap they'll have your grill cheese sandwich ready for you...gluten free? No problem. Vegan? Also no problem. Seriously. There was also the usual run of pop, candy, chips etc...but there was also chili...regular and vegetarian...and pizza.
So we all line up...and off we go! It's dark..and I'm running far faster than I should be...but I can't slow down...I feel like I'm flying. The first 4km were my fastest of the whole race...after that I was able to dial it back and settle into a more comfortable race pace. A couple of runners would chat as they passed...one woman in particular was always upbeat and did her best to engage me every time. The thing that I actually liked about the dark start was it made the course much easier to navigate. All of the trail tags were reflective so their shiny silver shimmers helped me heading the right direction (as did running 50km there 2 weeks ago).
2 hours later the sun starts to come up...it's nothing spectacular...the cloud cover is heavy...i wouldn't have even noticed except for the owl that flew out in front of me. Yup...I spooked a small owl...wicked awesome. As the light grew stronger peoples paces increased and confidence grew...and then...after passing the second pit...I tripped on a rock covered by leaves. I went down hard. Oh so very very hard. I swore, got up and kept going...but now my knee hurt. Over the course of the next 2 loops I would fall 4 more times...the knee got worse. The IT issue I'd been fighting with for the last 2 months had become a full blown problem.
By the end of hour 3 I was in more pain than I'd even been in before...I knew I couldn't walk...walking hurt worse, so I kept on going. I rolled into base camp and told my husband to get the stick and roll my leg. I dug my fingers into the lawn so deep I actually ripped up grass with roots and mud. I knew with a seized IT it was going to be impossible to hit 50 miles. Tears came. I'd trained for a YEAR for this moment. I Was ready!!!! WHY????? After a hug from my husband I headed back out armed with the realization that my new goal was to simply finish the 12 hours.
As the time wore on I managed to maintain a pretty good pace. after 6 hours I was still on course for a 50 mile finish, but I knew i was slowing down too much. Too much time was being spent at base camp getting fixed...I tried skipping getting rolled one lap...the following lap was excruciating. I had no choice but to stop every time for aid. I remembered the wise words about not letting the pain get inside your head...i tried...dear lord did I try. I made deals with Leroy, i begged, pleaded and argued with Leroy...but Leroy would only fade for a moment...and then come roaring back. Leroy was sticking around for the journey it would seem.
Every dip, every rock, every root, every jolt sent pain up my right side. My foot went totally numb...I kept wondering why would my knee go numb? The head games started to get bad here...I was pissed, I was scared, I was frustrated. Onward I went.
It was somewhere around this point where the internal struggle of how bad did I really want this happened. I was tired of fighting. Would it simply be better to call it a day? No. I couldn't. I don't quit. Ever. I have 2 wonderful ladies coming out to pace me...taking time out of their day to pace ME!! I had a dozen people coming down to cheer me on...nope...I couldn't let them down. So i kept on running. As i came around the corner I could see my friends Glenn and Lisa had arrived...and I wanted to weep with joy...someone else was HERE!! even better though...they had McDonald FRIES!!!!! I stuffed my face with their salty goodness while Chris sticked my leg. Back out I went.
So we all line up...and off we go! It's dark..and I'm running far faster than I should be...but I can't slow down...I feel like I'm flying. The first 4km were my fastest of the whole race...after that I was able to dial it back and settle into a more comfortable race pace. A couple of runners would chat as they passed...one woman in particular was always upbeat and did her best to engage me every time. The thing that I actually liked about the dark start was it made the course much easier to navigate. All of the trail tags were reflective so their shiny silver shimmers helped me heading the right direction (as did running 50km there 2 weeks ago).
2 hours later the sun starts to come up...it's nothing spectacular...the cloud cover is heavy...i wouldn't have even noticed except for the owl that flew out in front of me. Yup...I spooked a small owl...wicked awesome. As the light grew stronger peoples paces increased and confidence grew...and then...after passing the second pit...I tripped on a rock covered by leaves. I went down hard. Oh so very very hard. I swore, got up and kept going...but now my knee hurt. Over the course of the next 2 loops I would fall 4 more times...the knee got worse. The IT issue I'd been fighting with for the last 2 months had become a full blown problem.
By the end of hour 3 I was in more pain than I'd even been in before...I knew I couldn't walk...walking hurt worse, so I kept on going. I rolled into base camp and told my husband to get the stick and roll my leg. I dug my fingers into the lawn so deep I actually ripped up grass with roots and mud. I knew with a seized IT it was going to be impossible to hit 50 miles. Tears came. I'd trained for a YEAR for this moment. I Was ready!!!! WHY????? After a hug from my husband I headed back out armed with the realization that my new goal was to simply finish the 12 hours.
As the time wore on I managed to maintain a pretty good pace. after 6 hours I was still on course for a 50 mile finish, but I knew i was slowing down too much. Too much time was being spent at base camp getting fixed...I tried skipping getting rolled one lap...the following lap was excruciating. I had no choice but to stop every time for aid. I remembered the wise words about not letting the pain get inside your head...i tried...dear lord did I try. I made deals with Leroy, i begged, pleaded and argued with Leroy...but Leroy would only fade for a moment...and then come roaring back. Leroy was sticking around for the journey it would seem.
Every dip, every rock, every root, every jolt sent pain up my right side. My foot went totally numb...I kept wondering why would my knee go numb? The head games started to get bad here...I was pissed, I was scared, I was frustrated. Onward I went.
It was somewhere around this point where the internal struggle of how bad did I really want this happened. I was tired of fighting. Would it simply be better to call it a day? No. I couldn't. I don't quit. Ever. I have 2 wonderful ladies coming out to pace me...taking time out of their day to pace ME!! I had a dozen people coming down to cheer me on...nope...I couldn't let them down. So i kept on running. As i came around the corner I could see my friends Glenn and Lisa had arrived...and I wanted to weep with joy...someone else was HERE!! even better though...they had McDonald FRIES!!!!! I stuffed my face with their salty goodness while Chris sticked my leg. Back out I went.
Eventually Glenn took over crewing for me while Chris went home to let the dog out...these laps were so hard for me...I missed seeing my husbands face. Don't get me wrong...MY friends were amazing...rolling my leg, grabbing me whatever food I needed, rubbing my shoulders...you name it...but I missed my husband. The head is a powerful weapon at this stage of the game...for good or evil...it all depends on where you let it take you.
Onward I went. I was grateful for the 3km loops...they were far more tolerable on my bum leg. Every time I left camp I could barely bend my leg...but by the time I'd hit the forest I had a regular stride going on and I was able to pick up pace. Sometime around 1pm when I came around the corner I could see a giant neon green sign...from a km away...and I could see my name on it. New friends had arrived to cheer and crew for me! My friends Cailin and Roxane (&son) were there cheering for me and it was the sweetest sound ever. As I got close enough to read the sign, tears welled up and I wondered what I'd done to deserve such support.
Everything from here on out got blurry and blends together. It seemed like every lap there were more people there cheering me on. I had my own personal cheering squad that outnumbered the volunteers...heck there were more of them then there were of us in the 12 hour!! I remember my pacers showing up one by one, i remember hugs, i remember more french fries...seriously everyone that showed up brought french fries...it was AWESOME!
I believe somewhere along the course i decided i was an F1 car...not only was i worth millions, sleek and sexy, but I had the pit crew of a champion. Every lap i'd head into pit and it kept getting more elaborate. After the snow started (oh yeah...did i mention the snow and ice pellets that came down in droves...more on that in a bit) someone found a towel...which turned into a blanket at some point. I'd lay down, get sticked, while someone put french fries in my face. My crew seemed to be getting really aggressive with food...didn't they understand I'd just eaten???
Yeah...about that...apparently my brain was wrong...my crew was tracking what I was eating...and apparently I wasn't...but if you'd asked me I would have sworn I was. it would appear that time is no longer a fixed point when you run an ultra...it flexes.
After 11 hours I knew the end was close...but yet all I wanted to do was not run...but the words of Murphy echoed through my head and onwards I went.
With 45 minutes left in the race I was given a choice...one full loop or switch to the short loop. MY crew informed the RD that the last loop had been done in 25 minutes...so I was good to head out for the full loop. As the end of the full loop drew near I was thrilled...I was almost done! As i came into pit row my husband shouted that that i still had 12 minutes left...I could go do a short loop...I flipped him off convinced i was done. 44 miles was good by me. I was done...wasn't i?
Apparently not My pacers said I had to keep going...I said no...they said yes...so back out i went. This time with both pacers. I can't explain why, but I'm SO happy that they were both with me. I was going to finish it with the people who helped me get there, the people who wore tutu's for me, the people who inspired me to become what I am. The short loop was marked out in 100 meter increments...when the whistle would blow you'd see which sign you were by and report it back.
Here's the funny part...i ran the fastest during that last loop. Once there were a mere 2 minutes left on the clock we went into a full out sprint...now keep in mind that that mean a 10:00 minute mile pace but really after 12 hours that's pretty freaking amazing. After 12 hours on my feet I somehow found more gas in the tank...it felt amazing.
Yeah...about that...apparently my brain was wrong...my crew was tracking what I was eating...and apparently I wasn't...but if you'd asked me I would have sworn I was. it would appear that time is no longer a fixed point when you run an ultra...it flexes.
After 11 hours I knew the end was close...but yet all I wanted to do was not run...but the words of Murphy echoed through my head and onwards I went.
With 45 minutes left in the race I was given a choice...one full loop or switch to the short loop. MY crew informed the RD that the last loop had been done in 25 minutes...so I was good to head out for the full loop. As the end of the full loop drew near I was thrilled...I was almost done! As i came into pit row my husband shouted that that i still had 12 minutes left...I could go do a short loop...I flipped him off convinced i was done. 44 miles was good by me. I was done...wasn't i?
Apparently not My pacers said I had to keep going...I said no...they said yes...so back out i went. This time with both pacers. I can't explain why, but I'm SO happy that they were both with me. I was going to finish it with the people who helped me get there, the people who wore tutu's for me, the people who inspired me to become what I am. The short loop was marked out in 100 meter increments...when the whistle would blow you'd see which sign you were by and report it back.
Here's the funny part...i ran the fastest during that last loop. Once there were a mere 2 minutes left on the clock we went into a full out sprint...now keep in mind that that mean a 10:00 minute mile pace but really after 12 hours that's pretty freaking amazing. After 12 hours on my feet I somehow found more gas in the tank...it felt amazing.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Hot
I think the thing that gets me every year is the heat...and the humidity. I was supposed to hit 25km today...instead I only managed 23km. Not terrible, but after this last weeks failure of workouts I'm starting to listen to the voices in my head. The ones that are saying i cant do this...that I'm nuts for even wanting to. The ones that are begging me to quit and enjoy summer for a change.
I just can't seem to let the dream go though. Working out 7 days a week is tough though. All i want to do it have a day or two where I'm not killing myself with workouts. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so, but it would seem that in order to get to a 50 miler you have to work out 7 days a week.
Add to that my extra runs for run club and running BOP with many of the clinics and I'm starting to feel that I'm losing my speed. I know logically it doesn't make sense...i know that if I just had rest days like I used to, I could totally slam out everything I used to. The problem is that by the end of the week I want to cry I'm so tired.
This is what I've worked for though...and it never fails...by the time monday rolls around I'm ready to start over again.
I feel crazy.
I just can't seem to let the dream go though. Working out 7 days a week is tough though. All i want to do it have a day or two where I'm not killing myself with workouts. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so, but it would seem that in order to get to a 50 miler you have to work out 7 days a week.
Add to that my extra runs for run club and running BOP with many of the clinics and I'm starting to feel that I'm losing my speed. I know logically it doesn't make sense...i know that if I just had rest days like I used to, I could totally slam out everything I used to. The problem is that by the end of the week I want to cry I'm so tired.
This is what I've worked for though...and it never fails...by the time monday rolls around I'm ready to start over again.
I feel crazy.
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